Grooming and How to Protect Your Child
Recently I had the incredible opportunity to speak with Feather Berkower the founder of ‘Parenting Safe Children’. Feather believes that child sexual assault can be prevented. She is an expert who has dedicated her career of over 30 years, to educating parents and youth professionals about how to make their communities “off limits” to child sexual abuse.
During our talk together we particularly focused on grooming.
Below are some of the questions that I asked Feather and the very helpful answers that she gave.
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Question Rowena: What is child grooming and what does it have to do with sexual abuse?
Answer Feather: The aim of grooming kids is to manipulate perceptions of all of the adults around a child to reduce suspicion in order to gain access and opportunity to sexually abuse them. Grooming is about, identifying the victim and building trust in order to abuse.
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Question Rowena: What are the signs that a child is being groomed?
Answer Feather: There are many signs that we can be aware of. Groomers often start by meeting the needs of a child, starting with innocent like secrets to desensitise, and then moving to nonsexual touch like playing, tickling, wrestling or rough housing. Groomers want to confuse the child to get the child to want to be in a friendship and to be rewarded from the relationship. Often, it’s a pattern of constant touch, beyond boundaries, an obsession and not like with grandma, a smooch or hug. It can be constant engagement, somebody who insists on time along with children. Separating children from other children in the family or removing kids to be alone. Someone who showers children with gifts and not just at holiday time. A sign might be someone letting kids break rules all the time or letting them get away with things they’re not supposed to be doing to gain their trust and then making the child keep secrets.
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Question Rowena: What can we do if we know someone is being groomed?
Answer Feather: Believe and listen to the child. The most effective thing to do is to speak with the person if you can. Intervene, say something to them. Listen to your own body if something doesn’t feel right speak up. It doesn’t mean you need to call the police every time. In my workshops we go into the detailed language of what you can say to the person directly about what you notice. For example, ‘I noticed you’re tickling my child at naptime under her belly, or on her belly and I’m not comfortable.’ Another option you can do is to talk to other people. Report it immediately. If you’re not a mandated reporter because you don’t work professionally with children, then I believe we have a duty to report it. Depending on your city or state or your country do what you can to stop it. Then it’s on record.
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Question Rowena: What has child pornography got to do with grooming?
Answer Feather: Pornography is adult entertainment for arousal. There’s no place for children to be part of that, and so when a child is involved in sexual acts and images, that is a crime scene and not entertainment. This is why it should be called child sexual abuse material. Groomers will use images to desensitise the child to make it look normal to them, especially if children are involved or shown the images. Everything is to desensitise everybody to gain trust.
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Question Rowena: What would your top tip for adults and parents be?
Answer Feather: When something isn’t feeling right in your gut, speak up. So many parents say to me I knew something was off. I just didn’t know what. I wasn’t educated about this. So, listen to yourself and if you’re confused get help.
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I could have chatted with Feather all day but as we finished, I had a ‘light bulb moment.’ Feather said I’m going to say one more thing. ‘No one, no one should be more interested in your child than you!’
As I reflect on my conversation with Feather, I realise how far we have come as a society yet how far we have to go! The fact is, there is hope and we can all make a difference to equip, advocate, educate and ultimately stop child sexual abuse… especially by being aware of the importance of grooming lessons for kids.
