Why It’s Important To Say “Safe Touch and Unsafe Touch” Rather Than “Good Touch and Bad Touch”

I was listening to a podcast this week about body safety and how using the words good and bad often imply emotions or feelings. Bad may imply that a child who may have been abused feels “bad” and maybe thinks that they are a bad individual. Ultimately this leads to feeling guilty, fearful and not disclosing the abuse.
Rowena in action during a school program teaching about the importance of using the words safe and unsafe instead of good and bad.

Good and Bad Can Refer to Morals

We don’t want our children to think that they are bad for being touched in an unsafe way. This helps shift the blame away from the survivor and places it on the perpetrator.

Good and Bad Are Absolutes

Children often think in a very concrete way, so the use of the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ can get confused. For example, if a tickle is uncomfortable, they might call this ‘a bad touch’. Sexual touch may not always feel bad or painful, stroking can feel and be called ‘a good touch’

Perpetrators Are Often ‘Good’ People in the Eyes of Children

Bad touching will most likely come from a person that a child knows, trust and even loves. They may not regard this person or the touch as ‘bad’. This means that it might be harder for them to report because it’s confusing.

Whereas by referring to the behaviour as ‘an unsafe touch’ it may be easier to disclose. This removes guilt and keeps them from having to make a subjective or moral distinction about the perpetrator.

We Don’t Want Our Children to Associate Pleasure With Shame

Given our sexual health education now and the lack of knowledge around pleasure and shame it’s important that pleasure is not associated with good touch. This applies to a child’s future healthy sexual relationships too.

Using Good Touch Bad Touch Versus Safe Touch Unsafe Touch

We attach ‘blanket statements’, emotions, feelings and literal meaning when using the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Using the words ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ are more objective and imply security making it easier for children to describe the behaviours they observe or experience first-hand.

I also believe that it is important to use the words ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ to describe behaviours rather than confusing emotive descriptions of people, stereotypes, and similarly with many of the other choices we make throughout life. It’s the same use of language that will protect women and children from domestic violence. For example, it’s much easier for a child to describe daddy’s unsafe behaviour when the daddy they love (and regard as ‘good’ not ‘bad’) is violent towards mummy.

A very small change in wording can ultimately make a huge difference when it comes to your child who can articulate their safety and experiences – and carrying with this, less fear, shame and guilt.

More Resources

Click here to check out my reviews of the many books (that are from my very own bookshelf) by ages about body safety and consent.

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Rowena

Rowena

The facilitator of ‘Amazing Me’, Rowena is a primary trained school teacher, with more than 30 years of experience in sexuality education and a mum of three adult children.

Rowena understands the many complexities and challenges at different stages in a child’s life when talking about tough topics like sex and puberty.

She is passionate about what she does with the goal that open and positive conversations will be started and continued, that puberty is ‘normalised’, relationships enriched and strengthened and as a result, wise choices are made in the future.