Good and Bad Can Refer to Morals
We don’t want our children to think that they are bad for being touched in an unsafe way. This helps shift the blame away from the survivor and places it on the perpetrator.
Good and Bad Are Absolutes
Children often think in a very concrete way, so the use of the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ can get confused. For example, if a tickle is uncomfortable, they might call this ‘a bad touch’. Sexual touch may not always feel bad or painful, stroking can feel and be called ‘a good touch’
Perpetrators Are Often ‘Good’ People in the Eyes of Children
Bad touching will most likely come from a person that a child knows, trust and even loves. They may not regard this person or the touch as ‘bad’. This means that it might be harder for them to report because it’s confusing.
Whereas by referring to the behaviour as ‘an unsafe touch’ it may be easier to disclose. This removes guilt and keeps them from having to make a subjective or moral distinction about the perpetrator.
We Don’t Want Our Children to Associate Pleasure With Shame
Given our sexual health education now and the lack of knowledge around pleasure and shame it’s important that pleasure is not associated with good touch. This applies to a child’s future healthy sexual relationships too.
Using Good Touch Bad Touch Versus Safe Touch Unsafe Touch
We attach ‘blanket statements’, emotions, feelings and literal meaning when using the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Using the words ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ are more objective and imply security making it easier for children to describe the behaviours they observe or experience first-hand.
I also believe that it is important to use the words ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ to describe behaviours rather than confusing emotive descriptions of people, stereotypes, and similarly with many of the other choices we make throughout life. It’s the same use of language that will protect women and children from domestic violence. For example, it’s much easier for a child to describe daddy’s unsafe behaviour when the daddy they love (and regard as ‘good’ not ‘bad’) is violent towards mummy.
A very small change in wording can ultimately make a huge difference when it comes to your child who can articulate their safety and experiences – and carrying with this, less fear, shame and guilt.
More Resources
Click here to check out my reviews of the many books (that are from my very own bookshelf) by ages about body safety and consent.