How would you answer this question if your child asked you?
“What’s a 69er?”
This is a question that can make us squirm, get really upset or perhaps hit the roof! These feelings are an understandable reaction, as it’s a full-on private question that we are not necessarily prepared for, or want to answer, especially when our children are young.
Whatever you believe you can still answer your child’s question in a way that opens up positive conversations and not shuts them down.
Over the past school term, I have been writing some answers to tricky questions that kids often ask me.
TIP: Click here for other answers to questions.
Our kids are curious, and this is great!
Don’t be shocked
When it comes to this question, you might be surprised that kids at every school I work at ask me this question almost every day. Some children have unregulated access to the media and this means they may have looked it up online or they might have seen or heard something from a friend, peer or someone else.
Many parents who I talk with don’t know what to say and immediately might think that their children are watching porn and that if we answer this question openly and directly, we will destroy their innocence or scar or scare them for life! The other option is to ignore them which usually sends them to Google for the answer – which some of the time will send them to porn websites… so what would you rather?
Here are two possible ways to answer this question when your pre-teen asks you “What’s a 69er?” You can take bits of these answers and add your own including your values and beliefs.
For both answers you could say
“Thanks for asking me. I am so glad that you asked me that question and not your friends or googled it. I always want to answer your questions and you will never be in trouble when you ask me. Can you tell me where you heard the number 69 and what you know about it?”
Answer one
This is if you don’t think that the child is at a stage where they need to know
“The number 69 has something to do with sex that older teens and adults might do together and it’s not for kids because it’s about sex and has something to do with naked private parts. Even though I’m happy that you asked me it’s not something that you need to understand right now at your age because I feel that you are too young.”
Answer two
You would have needed to have discussions about sexual health topics beforehand.
“Hey you know how I have talked with you about sex. Well, people can have sex in different ways and oral sex is one of those different ways where they use their mouths. Oral sex is when they both kiss or touch the other person’s private parts/genitals/penis/nuts or balls/scrotum/vulva/vagina/clitoris.
A 69er or 69 position is a way that some people have sex together using their mouths at the same time. It’s a nickname used because it looks like their bodies are making a shape like the number 69 when they do it.”
You might be thinking why on earth would people do this? You might think this is gross or disgusting and that’s totally normal because you’re a kid and sex is not for kids. Oral sex can make their bodies feel great and this is why they want to do it. It should be a choice so they should consent to it every time they do it so it’s not for kids, they should choose to do it. No one should ever be forced to have oral sex.
A person can’t get pregnant by having oral sex but they can get infections in their genitals or mouths. These are called sexually transmitted infections or STIs.
It’s also really important that you don’t share this information with your friends as their parents might not want them to know because they might feel that they are too young and it’s not up to you to tell them.
In our family we believe that it’s important to….. We believe this because……………..
Thanks for asking me about this. Is there anything else you’re wondering about because you can ask me anything?”
It’s not easy being a parent and being asked a question like this can make a difference as to whether your child asks you further questions or looks online for the answer. I encourage you to be proactive and be the askable parent that your child needs!
There are many parenting books to help guide and support you.
Here are 4 of them:
