How do I answer those tough questions that my child asks?
In the southern hemisphere, it’s the end of the school year and it’s full on! The summer school holidays start at the end of this week and children, parents and teachers are counting down!
What an incredible year it’s been for Amazing Me. I feel grateful and privileged to have spoken with thousands of parents, carers teachers and children in 2023. It’s been my busiest year yet full of positive conversations.
I hope that I have empowered and educated you as your child’s main sex educator, that in the context of your family’s beliefs and values you are the askable parent that your child needs. More than ever, I believe that connections are important and what an incredible opportunity holidays bring to connect with your children. Holidays are another opportunity to strengthen relationships with our kids and the more time spent with them often the more conversations naturally happen and more questions are asked. Being together often builds a sense of safety, trust and confidence even when you or your children find it difficult talking about tough topics.
Here are 10 holiday tips to help you answer those tough questions that children ask.
Change your mindset and see questions as an opportunity
Isn’t it great that your child trusts you and are open to asking you questions. This could ultimately strengthen your relationship with them, start other conversations about sex and for you to be the ‘askable’ parent that your child needs.
Your immediate reaction to a question is important
If you punish or get angry then the conversation will probably shut down. Here are some positive conversation starters. Keeping calm is key. You are their safe space. Always remember that the aim is to be the first person they turn to instead of the internet. So, lean in to them with your body language. This shows to them that you are open to talking. The tone of your voice matters too.
Don’t assume you know what your child is asking
Never assume that they actually want to know what they are asking. They might have just heard the number 69 for example or know that it’s something private or to do with sex or want a reaction. It’s important to find out what they already know and what they are curious about. In other words, you are not just going to launch into a detailed conversation about oral sex!
Reassurance throughout conversations is important
Let your child know they’re not in trouble for asking you anything—it’s important they come to you. Reassure them you’re a safe person to ask, that they won’t be ridiculed, and you’ll always love and support them. Also, that you will respect the privacy and confidentiality of their question. Encourage them that you want to be the person they come to with their questions by asking, “Did I explain that okay?” or “Is there anything else you’re wondering about?”
Be vulnerable, real and tell your child how you feel
Tell your child that you really want to talk with them but you feel a bit awkward or embarrassed because you never had these conversations with your own parents, and it’s a very private topic. Being vulnerable is important because our kids benefit when they see us stretching beyond our comfort zones, messing up, and modelling what it is to be well intentioned but also imperfect at the same time.
Keep it Simple
Give a direct answer to their questions, avoiding unnecessary details. If you feel like you are lecturing or rambling on take a breath, pay attention to their reactions and ask. “I’ve talked about what’s important for now, but do you have any more questions?”
Be honest, accurate and factual when they ask you
If you have not talked with your child about any sexual health topic or you think that they are too young, avoid brushing it off, changing the subject or lying as it might be misleading. Tell them that you want to talk about sex when they are older. This communicates your openness and a willingness to engage at a later time.
It’s okay to be stuck and not know what to say
It’s normal to feel shocked and deflect, however it’s important to go back to the conversation again later by saying something like “I’m really sorry because the other day I ignored you when you asked me about……. I want to chat about it again, so I can make sure you understand?” Your child may ask and then change their mind when they realise what it’s about, so if they are not listening then it’s important that you pause and emphasise that you are always there for them.
Be prepared with your answers
What do you want your child to know, and maybe not know, at their age about anything to do with sex? If your child asked what pornography was what would you say for example? You can start by thinking about how you would answer questions like this, what you believe about the topic or concept, make a plan and practice. It may also help you to be calmer and more confident for when the questions are asked.
Use books to help you explain things
Books can help you to normalise conversations and know what your child understands, whilst giving them information that you might feel nervous about and also not know where to begin. You can check the book to make sure it explains it all in a way you’re comfortable with even order them.
There are over 300 books you can find on my website here.
Thank you for connecting with me in 2023. I am grateful. I wish you, health, safety and happiness, where ever you are in the world.
