Mum or Dad “What’s Pornography?”

Just imagine that you are at your child’s sporting match surrounded by other families, and one of your children turns to you and asks, ‘What is pornography?’ Of course, it’s loud and in hearing distance of everyone. 😱 What would you say?

I get many emails from parents and caregivers about how they can actually answer their child’s questions, what words can they use. I have decided to focus on answering some of these questions over the coming months.

A part of the reason I do what I do is that this situation and many others like it, have happened to me, and I was not equipped to know. Even though I talk about this every day, when my own child asked me, it was very different.

I often talk about the strategies about how to answer tough topics, for example, starting conversations when your child is young, making conversations accurate and factual, and of course, age-appropriate. But what about the actual words that you would use? What would you actually say?

One of the main things to remember when talking about any sexual health topic to your pre-teen is that you can’t possibly answer the question in one conversation. I have heard it said that things need to be communicated at least seven times for the information to fully sink in, both for adults and children. As we know, as our kids grow, learn, and change, their questions are different too.

One rule is to always start with a positive affirmation even if you don’t feel that way. You might say, ‘I love that you are curious?’ Do you know anything about pornography? Find out some more positive open door conversation starters here.

How to answer the question “what is pornography?” to a pre-teen?

Of course, you will need to adapt your response according to your child’s age, stage of development, and understanding and include your beliefs, values, and religious faith (if you have one) around each of these topics.

Here is a possible way that you can answer when your pre-teen asks you, ‘What is pornography?’

For a young child under 7

If the child does not know about any sexual activity then I would say pornography are words, pictures or videos of people with hardly any clothes on or no clothes on. They might even be touching each other’s private parts while making loud noises and it looks like they are having fun or hurting each other. Nobody should hurt anybody so even if you get a shock or feel scared, always look away straight away and tell me or another trusted adult that will help you because pornography pictures are not safe for you to look at.

For older pre-teens 7-12

I would say pornography are words, cartoons, songs, pictures or videos of naked people having sex, often in a violent way, and they look like they are enjoying it. This is not what sex should be like in real life. There should be respect kindness pleasure closeness and consent in what they are doing. It might make you feel tingly and want to look at it more or it might make you feel scared, guilty, shocked, grossed out, uncomfortable or sweaty. Please, look away straight away let me or another adult know because it’s really important that you get the right and safe information. However, you feel I am here for you and I want you to ask me questions. You will never be in trouble if you look at pornography- in fact, I will be really proud of you for asking or telling me. In our family we believe pornography is ……….. because ……….

Final Words

The pornography that children can access in this day and age is very different from back when we were kids. This is new territory for many parents. If we want our kids to be safe now and have accurate information, and then as adults to have safe, happy, healthy, consensual relationships then it’s up to us to prepare them and be pro-active by talking about pornography today.

As parents we have an important responsibility (more than ever before) to answer questions accurately and openly. It’s not always easy but making it a fear-based, shameful, or guilt-ridden approach is not going to work.

Are there any other questions that your child has asked you and you would like to know how you could answer them?

I am here to support you in any way possible, so please feel free to contact me or connect with me on Instagram.