How would you answer this question if your child asked you?
Have you ever thought that your child’s embarrassing or awkward questions are opportunities to strengthen your relationship with them? Well, guess what? They are!
Connection with your children is so important when they ask tough questions, and one of the ways that we can do this is to create positive and safe environments for connection to take place.
If they think that you will punish them or make them feel guilty or if they ask you and you don’t give them accurate information when answering a question, then they probably won’t ask.
But what would you actually say if children ask questions like ‘Why do people have sex?’
It’s important to always start with an affirmation and try to be positive, even if the question freaks you out a little. Be open, be direct, and be factual. Find out what your child already knows or wants to know and start from there. By asking questions and affirming your child it reassures them. So say ‘Thank you for asking me about sex, I am always willing to answer any questions that you have’ and ‘That’s a great question.’ Then ‘What do you know about sex?’ or ‘Where did you hear those words?’
Here is a possible way that you can answer when your pre-teen asks you, ‘Why do people have sex?’
‘Lots of kids think that people have sex just to make babies, and that can be a reason, but most of the time it’s not. It’s actually because it should make their bodies feel really nice, and that’s called pleasure.
Sex is a natural thing that you should choose to do when you are older. It’s one of the ways that humans can be really close and show each other that they trust and care for each other, are attracted to each other, and even love each other. They might be married but they might not be.
Sex can also be fun, exciting, and can make them feel great so they should want to do it. If they don’t feel like having sex, they shouldn’t. No one should ever be forced to have sex either, that’s not safe.’
Your pre-teen might then say oh that’s gross, and then you might say: ‘Yep, that’s really normal that you feel that way because sex is not something that kids should do. In our family, we believe sex should be ……….. because ……… . (Talk about your values and beliefs here)
I want you to always feel free to ask me anything and of course please tell me if any adult, or your friends or other person talk to you about sex, in fact anything to do with your body, or if you see anything online, or if you get an uncomfortable feeling. I will be proud of you for talking with me about it.’
Whatever you believe about sex, it’s important that your children know from you, what you believe and one of the only ways that they will discover this is by you having conversations with them in an environment where they feel safe and not ashamed to ask.
It’s also important to start with the facts, and the facts are that sex means different things to different people. The facts are also that people have sex for different reasons, mainly pleasure and intimacy, and that’s a fact! Just talking about sex in terms of reproduction is not the only reason. It can be a place to start but not a great place to finish. Pleasure and intimacy are wonderful human experiences that are essential parts of what sex is. Of course, they should never be forced; it should be their own choice, and they should be old enough and ready; otherwise, it shouldn’t happen.
It’s important to remember that you are not destroying their innocence or giving them reasons to have sex at an early age by giving them the answer; in fact, research tells us the opposite! That children whose parents were open are more likely to delay having sex and make safer wiser choices should they choose to become sexually active.
No matter how you may be feeling about talking about sex, it’s important that you do. Let’s face it! For most of us, we don’t want our children to find out from their friends or the internet.
Are there any other questions that your child has asked you and you would like to know how you could answer them?
I am here to support you in any way possible, so please feel free to contact me or connect with me on Instagram.
