What would you do when your kids watching pornography?
Last week a parent rang me in a panic. They had found out from their child that they were watching pornography at their friend’s house on a sleep over. The dad then went on to say that he was angry because they used parental controls in their house and the other family didn’t and he wasn’t quite sure what to do.
It’s normal for parents and to feel any of these emotions: shocked, upset, angry, uncomfortable, embarrassed, guilty, panicked, nervous, ashamed, sad and worried when this happens. But what if the dad acted out of anger and grounded the child, never let them go to their friend’s home again?
This could be unhelpful in so many ways. It would do nothing to help strengthen the relationship between the father and child – with the child probably not confiding in dad again.
Here are 10 top helpful tips to do when your kids watching porn so that you can be prepared.
1. Don’t ignore that your child has seen pornography
This will not help your child deal with their feelings let alone want to talk to you about it now or in the future.
2. Talk with the adults and families where your child saw the pornography
This is not always easy. Sometimes it may not be possible but acknowledging and chatting with other parents helps protect your child and can give you a better understanding of the context of the situation.
Your child may have viewed something extremely explicit and this will require you to follow up, and maybe seek counselling or other professional help.
3. Ask them how they feel
It’s particularly normal for a child to feel guilty, scared, okay, aroused, or unsafe. Sometimes they just don’t know how they feel and that’s okay too. Knowing that you care and are there for them is the most important.
4. Listen, reassure and don’t punish
If you ground them or take away their device then they may not talk with you about it. Yes, it’s important to have boundaries, but when it comes to pornography we need to reassure and support our kids.
5. Try not to freak out
Remaining calm when I feel worried is difficult sometimes, what about for you? However, it’s really important to stay calm. Why? If your child feels guilt embarrassed or shame, or that they are in trouble you’ll most likely make it worse if you hit the roof.
6. Get educated and get help
There are parenting books organisations and websites that can support you. Reach out and chat with other ‘like-minded supportive parents’.
7. Educate your child
Talk about the dangers of pornography. Explain why real sex should not be like what they have seen and why.
Click here to read my blog about how to have conversations with kids about pornography.
8. Create opportunities for further conversations
Remember it’s not a one-off conversation. Continually check in and naturally bring up conversations with your child. Be pro-active, open and encourage talking. You want to be the ‘go to parent’ that your child trusts.
9. Get parental control
Parental controls will not necessarily stop your child from seeing pornography but they will help reduce access. Don’t keep parental controls a secret from your child and work out a family contract together.
10. Have a plan of action for the future
They need to know when might they see pornography again and what they can do when they see it. If they are at a friend’s house or on the school bus -what will they do?
Always let your child know that you won’t be angry or punish them when they watch inappropriate things. Equip your child with things that they can say and do if they are ever in a situation where someone wants them to watch it.
Final words
Professionals tell us that it’s not healthy for children to be watching pornography. The effects can be far-reaching, and yet many children still seem to see it.
Whether that’s because they are shown by someone else, are curious, or accidentally view pornography. Assume that your child has or will view pornography.
Did you notice that I actually said WHEN your child sees pornography in the title and not IF.
In other words, expect that your child will encounter pornography, so be prepared with these 10 top helpful tips.
