How would you answer this question if your child asked you?
Masturbation is something that more and more students are asking me, which is fantastic – yet it’s a word that I find that many parents can hardly say let alone talk about what it actually means.
Why would you want your child to ask you, you might ask? Because they feel comfortable, they are curious and they want to know the answer.
So, take a big deep breath because it’s hard being a parent sometimes especially talking about masturbation.
Masturbation is a very normal stage of a child’s sexual development beginning at a very young age. Whatever your beliefs about masturbation are, it’s important to get used to talking about it with your child. Talking about touching your body can begin with your toddler with conversations about keeping safe, public verses private, consent and being the boss of their bodies. This can happen while in the bath, changing nappies or in other everyday ways. These conversations provide a foundation for ongoing conversations and helps you to be the askable parent – which is exactly what your child needs you to be.
An idea to get you used to the word masturbation is saying it 10 times in a quiet place- you will do yourself a favour by familiarising yourself with the word and even acknowledging your thoughts, beliefs, feelings and ideas about how it was expressed to you as you were growing up and whether or not you want to communicate your ideas about masturbation in the same way to your child. Even if they did not say anything at all this is still communicating a belief.
Untruths like masturbation will cause blindness, stunt your growth, cause infidelity or give you an STI are some of the myths that parents tell me that they were told as children. These are based on ignorance, fear, guilt and shame.
No matter what your opinions, faith and values might be, there should be no guilt, shame or punishment when you talk about it together. So, try to stay calm. If you overreact or shut down conversations about masturbation, your child might not want to talk with you about it at all. Talk about touching private parts in private and just like any other chat about any sexual health topic, talk about masturbation in a factual age-appropriate way.
Research shows that before puberty, masturbation is generally not sexually pleasurable (no orgasm-but not always), and that it just feels ‘nice’. It’s normal for any child to want to discover their own bodies by touching their private parts.
Here is a possible way that you can answer, ‘What is masturbation?’ when your pre-teen asks you. You can use bits of this conversation and include your own explanations, according to your child’s age, stage of development, understanding and family context.
‘I really appreciate you asking me about masturbation because it’s something that I would like you to know about from me and not your friends or the internet because lots of people have different opinions about masturbation.
First of all, it’s nothing to feel ashamed of, in fact it’s normal, healthy, natural and everyone can do it, kids and adults, some do it and some don’t. It should always be your own choice to do it. It’s also a very private thing, so it should be done in private. The body especially the genitals can feel really nice when you touch them or rub them for a while and this is called masturbation.
For most girls, inside the vulva above the wee hole (urethra) there is this amazing thing that feels like a bit of skin that sticks out called the clitoris. It has nerve endings on it which are there to give you nice feelings. When you masturbate, touch or rub this, it can feel really nice and that’s called pleasure. It might feel a little bit wet too.
For most boys, the penis can also feel pleasure, when you touch or rub it and that’s one reason why you have erections otherwise known as a stiffy, when you masturbate some white sticky stuff called semen might come out. This starts happening when you go through puberty.
When you go through puberty the feelings of pleasure can get stronger for everyone and that can be exciting.
In our family we believe masturbation is ……….. because ……… I want you to always feel free to ask me anything. It is especially important that you tell me if any adult or other person asks you about masturbation or anything to do with private parts, online or in real life, because it’s none of their business and you need to keep safe. You are the boss of your body every part of it and that means your genitals too. That means that no one gets to decide who touches your body and definitely no one should touch your genitals like this except you.
Masturbation is safe and healthy if you choose to do it on your own in private.
When your child asks, “is masturbation bad or good? “, it’s important to know what you actually think and believe about masturbation because we all want our kids to grow up to be comfortable about every part of their bodies including their genitals. More than ever our children need to know that it’s not dirty or disgusting and that their bodies every part of them are amazing! To be curious about our bodies is normal and healthy whether that’s masturbating or asking questions about masturbation.
If you have any more questions that your child has asked you and you would like to know how you could answer them then please let me know by hitting the reply button. I am here to support you in any way that I can, so please feel free to contact me or connect with me on Instagram here
