How to talk with a child that doesn’t want to talk to you about sex
“My child just puts their hands over their ears whenever I bring up the topic of sex”. What should I do? – Mum of an 11-year-old
Many of you have been there, I sure have.
“Mum/dad/carer …stop! I don’t want to talk about sex, EVER -especially with you!”
As many of you know I have 3 adult children, and each one is very different in the way that they learn, their personalities, who they are, their questions and experiences are all different! Thank goodness!
At times, as they were growing up I expected them to be the same; to ask the same questions about sex, essentially experience the same changes in the same way and to ultimately want to ask me questions about sex – but this was not the case. Out of the 3 of them, one in particular did not want to hear anything from me at all. I was not ready for the constant battle of eye rolls, slamming doors, unanswered or angry texts, hands over ears etc. I thought that all of my children would want me to answer their questions especially being a sex educator, teacher and all-around positive person.
Even though some children might not seem to be interested does not necessarily mean that they aren’t.
So here are 10 tips to support you in your parenting journey when talking about sex with a child that just does not want to talk with you:
10 tips for talking about sex with a child that does not want to talk with you
1. Create an environment that encourages conversations, not shuts them down
I mean a shame free, safe, non-judgemental one, where questions are constantly encouraged and no topic is off limits -no matter how you feel about it.
Related blog: Read 5 ways you can have positive conversations with your kids.
2. Be pro-active and prepared
Think about what you would say in a conversation about pornography for example. You can still ask them questions, be aware and look for opportunities to chat. Of course, you need to be respectful of how they are feeling.
Related blog: Reasons why we should talk about sex with our children.
3. Take the pressure off them and you
Try not to nag or lecture. If they don’t want to chat, they might want to later. Don’t feel like you have to talk at a certain place or time. Let’s face it, conversations hardly ever happen when you think that they will.
4. Spend time with your kids and their friends
Be a home where you spend time together because often the conversations pop up in the most random of moments when you connect.
5. Laugh
Sometimes talking about sexual health topics can be really funny so have a laugh as it can break down barriers. For example, “I heard someone calling their penis their rocket launcher the other day, what do your friends call their private parts?”
6. Try not to look or talk directly at them or about them
This can make it less intense and not as confronting. Chats in the car, or when walking are all great strategies. Talking about what their friends are doing sometimes takes off the pressure.
7. Use opportunities in the world, especially the media, to bring up conversations that are relevant to them
For example, have a reality show that you watch together -even if you don’t like it. Media, billboards, movies, articles, books, song lyrics can be the conversation starters with your kids.
Tip: Click here to read more: Are you missing opportunities to talk with your child?
8. Start when they are young with topics that are not so embarrassing
Like puberty (before it’s happening) consent, body safety and naming body parts.
Related book: “Sex Talk With Tweens”. More about this title here.
9. Communicate in other ways:
Send them text messages or emails about interesting information, or read a book together.
10. Tell them stories about you growing up
Share some of your childhood experiences, for example, when you first saw pornography, had a crush, got your period, first wet dream or even what pimple cream you used.
Kids love to hear about these things, especially the embarrassing and funny stories.
Some important things to remember:
- Think about the big picture. It’s not just one conversation but many, and you have a whole lifetime.
- Be aware what stage of development that your child is at. It’s normal and totally age appropriate, for example, that many kids who are going through puberty don’t ask questions about puberty.
- Your body language matters. So, try to stay calm even if you don’t feel that way, and try not to be negative even when you have tried all of the above strategies.
Try not to take their reactions personally, because it’s not about you. Just because your child doesn’t want to talk doesn’t mean that you don’t have a great relationship with your child -they might just simply not want to talk. It’s an embarrassing and, at times, awkward topic to talk about especially with a parent.
Ultimately, you can’t force your child to listen to you, but there are things that you can pro-actively, continually be doing. So, the message is; Don’t give up! Parenting takes practice and patience. The aim is that you are an askable parent even if they don’t want to ask questions or talk with you about sex!
Read more: How to be the parent that your child goes to for the answers to tough topics.
